scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
