remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
