I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
