She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Quick, to the slutcave!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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