One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
