if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
