best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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