"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
