pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
