i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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