and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
