I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
