dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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