she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
