I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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