At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
