no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
