my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize