I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
