guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
