While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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