god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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