But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
