saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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