How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
