Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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