careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
