I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
