i need an iv and a liver transplant
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
only you would photoshop your dick
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
