I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
