mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
