dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
