I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
