The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
