if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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