thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
