All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize