I think I am morally bankrupt
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
COCAINE IS GR8
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
