drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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