I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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