What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
