Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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