the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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