He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
