Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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