I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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