His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
