at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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