The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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