Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
