too bad you live with your parents still
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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