I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
