He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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